Short Stories by Kenneth Irwin II
The Night of HalloweeN
(Parody of "T'was the Night Before Christmas)
It was the night of Halloween,
And all through the house
All the creatures were stirring
Even a little mouse
The jack-o-lanterns sit in the lawn with care
In hopes that the Great Pumpkin will soon be there
The children all dressed up in costumes galore
With visions of a dancing E.T., Frankenstein, wolf man, and more
After working all day in the hot sun, I could really fell it in my back
So I decided that I would hit the old sack
When out on the lawn there arose such a scream
I sprang from the bed like it was a dream
I run to the window and what do I see?
I see what appears to be… ME?!
But soon it becomes seemingly clear
That is my friend the shape shifter, who is now a deer
And if that wasn’t the strangest thing I’ve seen in my life,
Then I seen the Mummy break dancing with my wife!
But that wouldn’t be the end of it all
For the angry elves took my credit card to the mall
Then from the ground the Great Pumpkin came
With eight ghostly white dames
And I listen closely as he called them by name
"Now, Drewcella! Now, Sugar! Now Pauline and Vixen!
On, Candy! On Mandy! On, Donna and Courtney!
To each Jack-o-lantern, you must go!
Make it so! Make it so! Make it so!"
As I sat and watched these pale ladies fly,
They gleamed through the air like the stars in the sky
With each pass of a pumpkin, there would be light
So bright that you could see, even in this dead of night
And then, he began to fill bags with a little groove
And let me tell you something… he could really move
I had to slap myself to see if this was a dream of some kind
Or if the pressures of work was making me lose my mind
He was dressed all in silk, from his head to his foot
And his clothes were all clean with no dirt, ashes or soot
A load of candy he had in his black and orange sack
He styled when he walked… like he knew how to mack
His eyes -- how they twinkled from the candles inside! his hands so pale!
His cheeks were far from being rosy, his nose… I couldn’t tell!
His ancient little mouth was drawn up with a big grin
And he smiled so much, it felt like it was a sin
I was surprised to see that he had all his teeth
All but one… that was knocked out by a demon named Keith
He had a pumpkin of a head and a little skinny body
That made him appear that he had sat too long on the potty.
He was tall and lean, but a right jolly old dead man
But I ran and I hid when I saw him… scared… almost wet myself
A wink of his well lit eye and a twist of his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread
He spoke not a word, but did hum while he went to work
And filled all the little kid’s bags with treats; then turned with a jerk
And laying his hand aside his heart
And bowing his head, that thankfully didn’t come apart
He returned to the spot he came from, as his lady friends circled about
And as he sank into the ground I could hear him shout
“Happy Halloween to all, and to all a goodnight!"